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Cast of Characters

A recent e-mail exchange with Betsy and Collene has me thinking about some of the characters in my office complex. I’ve been in the same office for about four (eek!) years now, so I can’t help but recognize the people who pass through regularly. Although I don’t often see the woman Collene recognizes as Plastic Surgery Nightmare Woman, I do see a number of equally exciting characters. I feel like I should be getting points when I see them. Points that I can maybe trade in for vacation time at some later date when I’ve amassed enough of them. When I rule the world, FreakPoints will be redeemable for valuable employee benefits.

Some of the characters who frequent my building:

Three-Foot Hair Lady: Three-Foot Hair Lady has hair that is at least three feet high (measuring from the top of the skull). The hair itself is highlighted in tones of bronze and copper and sculpted in an extremely complicated manner. Sort of like a Chihuly. Or an entry in one of those Extreme SugarSculpting Challenges that they show on Food Network at 1 in the morning after the $100,000 Chicken Challenge repeat. Everywhere Three-Foot Hair Lady goes, she leaves stunned and gaping people in her wake.

Talc Lady: From a distance, Talc Lady might also be known for her daring hairstyle. Talc Lady wears her hair in an exciting style that is clearly meant to make her head look like the Planet Saturn. Talc Lady might also be known for her fashion forward style of dress. Everyday a new leotard and mini-skirt over stirrup pants! But no, despite these extraordinary features, the most remarkable feature of Talc Lady can only be experienced if you get within three feet of her or are (God forbid) stuck in the elevator with her. TALC. The overwhelming, suffocating odor of talcum powder. Seriously. Standing next to Talc Lady is like getting caught in a talcum powder blizzard. Swimming in a talcum powder lake. Wrapping yourself in a giant talcum powder duvet. Bobbing for talcum powder in a talcum powder barrel.

Man-Lady: Finally, there is Man-Lady. Truly, I expect to see a reality show based on Man-Lady debuting on the Sundance Channel any day now. Man-Lady is very tall and slim and is usually seen wearing brown, pencil-cut leather pants and a silky, patterned blouse – open at least three buttons down to reveal some sort of garish pendant flopping against a concave chest area. Then there are the boots. Man-Lady, despite already being tall, always wears stiletto boots. Man-Lady carries a big purse. Man-Lady has waist-length hair. Man-Lady has a neatly trimmed goatee. Man-Lady makes my head hurt.

{ 7 } Comments

  1. Collene | August 4, 2006 at 10:48 am | Permalink

    So funny!

    I think Three-Foot Hair Lady works in our building! I saw her come out of an elevator one day, yeah, semi trucks probably have a better vertical clearance.

    Also, Plastic Surgery Nightmare Woman is sooo frightening! I can’t wait for you to see her. She’s always dressed to the nines, and wears 3″ heels, though she’s easily 6′ tall. She also hides behind huge, dark, impervious sunglasses, and I only ever see her down in the dark habitrail. She is a mystery. And quite possibly needs a (?) after her name.

  2. karen | August 7, 2006 at 8:23 am | Permalink

    Chihuly!…Bwah Hahahahahaaaa….!!!

    If these are the folks you encounter on a daliy basis, I’ll need to take the day off, pack a lunch and sit outside your workplace…

  3. Collene | August 8, 2006 at 3:31 pm | Permalink

    I shall procure a secret photo of Plastic Surgery Nightmare Lady if it’s the last thing I ever do. *gulp*

  4. Darx | August 9, 2006 at 12:42 pm | Permalink

    Thank you for the laugh-out-loud description of talc lady. I hear the shades of influence from the past in her description. The talcum powder booger wiped on the back of the talcum powder couch…

  5. Miranda | August 9, 2006 at 1:51 pm | Permalink

    LOL! I was totally thinking of that, Darc! Like a mint enema given by a chocolate proctologist…

  6. kp | August 10, 2006 at 11:09 am | Permalink

    …talcum powder booger………i’m speechless.

    what a visual.

  7. Darx | August 15, 2006 at 5:27 am | Permalink

    Like a mint fart in a chocolate elevator….

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