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Cast of Characters

A recent e-mail exchange with Betsy and Collene has me thinking about some of the characters in my office complex. I’ve been in the same office for about four (eek!) years now, so I can’t help but recognize the people who pass through regularly. Although I don’t often see the woman Collene recognizes as Plastic Surgery Nightmare Woman, I do see a number of equally exciting characters. I feel like I should be getting points when I see them. Points that I can maybe trade in for vacation time at some later date when I’ve amassed enough of them. When I rule the world, FreakPoints will be redeemable for valuable employee benefits.

Some of the characters who frequent my building:

Three-Foot Hair Lady: Three-Foot Hair Lady has hair that is at least three feet high (measuring from the top of the skull). The hair itself is highlighted in tones of bronze and copper and sculpted in an extremely complicated manner. Sort of like a Chihuly. Or an entry in one of those Extreme SugarSculpting Challenges that they show on Food Network at 1 in the morning after the $100,000 Chicken Challenge repeat. Everywhere Three-Foot Hair Lady goes, she leaves stunned and gaping people in her wake.

Talc Lady: From a distance, Talc Lady might also be known for her daring hairstyle. Talc Lady wears her hair in an exciting style that is clearly meant to make her head look like the Planet Saturn. Talc Lady might also be known for her fashion forward style of dress. Everyday a new leotard and mini-skirt over stirrup pants! But no, despite these extraordinary features, the most remarkable feature of Talc Lady can only be experienced if you get within three feet of her or are (God forbid) stuck in the elevator with her. TALC. The overwhelming, suffocating odor of talcum powder. Seriously. Standing next to Talc Lady is like getting caught in a talcum powder blizzard. Swimming in a talcum powder lake. Wrapping yourself in a giant talcum powder duvet. Bobbing for talcum powder in a talcum powder barrel.

Man-Lady: Finally, there is Man-Lady. Truly, I expect to see a reality show based on Man-Lady debuting on the Sundance Channel any day now. Man-Lady is very tall and slim and is usually seen wearing brown, pencil-cut leather pants and a silky, patterned blouse – open at least three buttons down to reveal some sort of garish pendant flopping against a concave chest area. Then there are the boots. Man-Lady, despite already being tall, always wears stiletto boots. Man-Lady carries a big purse. Man-Lady has waist-length hair. Man-Lady has a neatly trimmed goatee. Man-Lady makes my head hurt.

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