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Honey, We’re Killing the Cats!

Ok – so, CW and I watch this show on TLC called “Honey, We’re Killing the Kids!” The premise of the show is that Dr. Lisa, a registered dietician and medical nutritionist, helps one family with overweight children to change their unhealthy ways. We find this show to be particularly enjoyable during a dinner of fried foods. And butter. And milkshakes. And beer. And a couple bags of candy. While chainsmoking.

Anyway, to provide incentive, she drags the parents down into the basement of a serial killer and shows them computer projections of what their children will look like at age 40 if they continue to eat the way they do and never exercise. And after the parents weep tears of shame and horror, she says what they most fear, “The food you’re feeding your children IS KILLING THEM!!!!” What CW and I have learned from this process is that eating too much sugar and fried food not only causes bad skin and obesity, but also poor fashion sense, bad hair, and a complete aversion to lip balm. The results are alarming:

After shocking the parents with visions of their children as cranky, unfashionable, under-insured, middle-aged people, Dr. Lisa lays down the law. Healthy food! Structured exercise! No TV! Parent time alone! Kid time together! Much complaining and many tantrums ensue, but after 3 weeks of trying out new routines and family fighting/togetherness, Dr. Lisa unveils new computer projections of the kids. The results are spectacular. It was all worth it!

Has this show convinced us to change our ways, eat only fresh fruit and vegetables, and go on three-hour walks along the lake at dawn? Um, no. It has, however, started us worrying about our own “kids.” Will their kitty paté cause them to balloon like so many fur-covered Bloomin’ Onions? Are they on their way to a miserable, chubby, and shortened lifespan?! Will a lifestyle of hidden anger and crystal meth finally catch up with Wombles? Should we be expecting a surprise visit from Dr. Lisa?! What terrifying future lies ahead?! We worry because we care.

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