Skip to content

What Would We Do, Baby, Without Us?

Prompted by a conversation from last night – and a recent post on Wordsmifs – I now posit my Friday Theory (aka the Theory Formerly Known as the Why-Do-We-Even-Have-to-Work-on-Friday? Theory): Theme Songs from ’80s TV shows are better than most pop songs today.

They’re catchier, they’re shorter, and you can still remember them decades later. Try that with “Ms. New Booty.” Clearly, 80s TV theme songs were written by music geniuses, skilled in the art of the subconcious! Think of the hidden messages that could be concealed in those upbeat jingles – you’d never know, would you? No, you’d be too busy humming along and singing a snappy little number that you think is about how those kooky Keatons/Seavers to realize that what you’re really doing is inciting rebellion or recruiting for a cult. A cult, people! How fine the line is between sitcom and SECTcom…

Take, for example, this little ditty from the makers of Cheers (with analysis in brackets):

Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you’ve got;
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot.
Wouldn’t you like to get away? [message – join our CULT]

All those night when you’ve got no lights,
The check is in the mail;
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by its tail;
And your third fiance didn’t show; [Forget your third fiance – you can be our leader’s 53rd WIFE]

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name, [Your name is now “Dancing Tulip”]
And they’re always glad you came; [And by “came,” we mean “donated half your net worth to the ‘Family'”]
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same; [This week’s trouble goes by the name “FBI.”]
You want to be where everybody knows your name.

Not convinced yet? How about this:

I bet we been together for a million years,
And I bet we’ll be together for a million more. [A clear nod to planned mass-suicide.]

Oh, It’s like I started breathing on the night we kissed,
And I can’t remember what I ever did before. [And, oddly enough, you can’t remember your family, friends, or why you now only wear clothing made of palm fronds…]

What would we do baby, without us?
What would we do baby, without us? [An obvious cry for help]

And there ain’t no nothing we can’t love each other through. [Including an assault by the ATF]

What would we do baby, Without Us?

Sha la la la. [Secret cult chanting!]

{ 5 } Comments

  1. LD | April 21, 2006 at 9:36 am | Permalink

    mandy you made my friday

  2. Miranda | April 21, 2006 at 10:29 am | Permalink

    More evidence: The extremely creepy lyrics to the Kate & Allie show!

    Just when you think there’s no one around who’s caring,
    along comes a friend who offers a hand in sharing,
    and things start looking fine.

    Sometimes tears and sorrow are all the things you’ve got
    and just when you think you’re all by yourself, you’re not.

    Let me repeat that –

    just when you think you’re all by yourself, you’re not.

    If that’s not a threat, I don’t know what is…

  3. collene | April 21, 2006 at 10:58 am | Permalink

    haha! brilliant! i do think you’re on to something here! especially when you consider the theme song to ‘growing pains’ and kirk cameron’s creepy ‘way of the master’ guerilla godliness.

    read between these lyrics lines!

    show me that smile again (oooh show me that smile)
    don’t waste another minute on your crying
    we’re nowhere near the end (clearly a promise of life eternal)
    the best is ready to begin!! (post-rapture)
    as long as we got each other
    we got the world spinning right in our hands (world domination)
    baby, you and me
    we gotta be
    the luckiest dreamers
    who never quit dreaming!!
    as long as we keep on giving (enlightenment comes at a price!)
    we can take anything that comes our way
    baby, rain or shine, all the time
    we got each other
    sharing the laughter and loooove…

  4. Miranda | April 21, 2006 at 11:07 am | Permalink

    Exactly. As if we need more evidence:

    Don’t know about the future, that’s anybody’s guess.
    Ain’t no good reason for getting all depressed.
    Buy up your pad and pencil, I’ll give you a piece of my mind,
    In my opinionation, the sun is gonna surely shine.

    Stop all your fussin’,
    Slap on a smile
    Come out and walk in the sun for awhile.

    Don’t fight the felling, you know you want to have a good time.
    And in my opinionation, the sun is gonna surely shine.

    “Opinionation” – clearly a cult mind-control technique.

    “Blossom” – clearly the Cult Mother

  5. tamara | April 21, 2006 at 3:33 pm | Permalink

    you guys are killin me! thanks for the entire lyrics to growing pains…i had no idea i hated them that much.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *