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The Not-So-Itsy-Bitsy Spider

If you have been following Collene’s Flickr photostream, you know about the horrifying spider that has taken up residence on our back balcony. It is disgusting. As Alvie Singer once said, “Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.” Alvie was right. The spider on the back balcony is certainly the size of an old-school moving vehicle. It’s disgusting!! It has spun a gi-normous web, on which it sits each evening, chewing its dinner. Blech!!

Collene is trying to figure out what kind of spider it is – The Forest Preserve of Cook County is no help in this matter. Their memo on the subject is dated (no, seriously) and patronizing. The first line? “Nothing humiliates a housewife more than to spy a dusty streamer of cobwebs dangling from the ceiling when she has ‘company’. ” Not only is it chauvinistic, it’s also a prime example of mis-used quotation marks. What, exactly, does the writer mean when he puts “company” in quotes? Is that supposed to tip us off to the fact that said housewife is getting a little on the side from the postman (or the Avon lady?)? You’ll also be happy to learn that “Nature Bulletin No. 206-A” ends with the line “Uncle Pete, who never married, claims the main difference between a woman and a female spider is that spiders have eight legs.” Ah, 1965. What a year. We still have no idea what sort of horrid creature is living on the back balcony – but now we have a lovely picture of misogyny in the Forest Preserve Department.

Anyone know what kind of spider it is, please e-mail us at spider [at] – I will forward your answers to Collene, who is more interested in knowing than I am. I just want it to go away. Blech.

{ 6 } Comments

  1. kare bear | August 24, 2005 at 10:25 am | Permalink

    Is this it?

  2. kare bear | August 24, 2005 at 10:32 am | Permalink


    I wanna say you have this kinda spider…

  3. Miranda | August 24, 2005 at 10:57 am | Permalink

    I’ll ask CAW to check out your links. I choose not to view pictures of spiders if I can help it. Ick!

  4. Vanessa | September 13, 2005 at 6:18 pm | Permalink

    You think that’s big? Yesterday I heard about a kind of spider SOOOO big that it actually eats small birds. Hence its name–“bird-eating spider.” (otherwise known as a spider who eats “birds,” if you know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge). Seriously, this guy who lived in Australia told me about it. He held up a dinner plate and said it was as big as THAT. Now, in view of what you could have, don’t be such a wimp. And you’d better not hurt it. It could benefit you by catching things, like, say, flies and old women who swallow them.

  5. Miranda | September 13, 2005 at 7:24 pm | Permalink

    Oh good grief. have you been talking to Mom? She said just about the same thing. Except for the bird-eating part. People, the spider is gross!!! Besides. It seems to have re-located.

  6. cg | February 2, 2007 at 3:00 pm | Permalink

    I have a friend who had one nearly identical on his balcony too. It even lived through the tough winter we have in montreal!!! My friend feed it with little pieces of hamburger, and the worse is that the spider seems to now have developped an habit of it!!!

    Gotta says those things aren’t as big as the goliath discuss earlier, but damn, there the bigger WE have! and they’re ugly!!!

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