Skip to content

At Your Service

Howdy! It’s Collene, your friendly neighborhood blog hijacker. I have somehow been granted the great honor of guest blogging for our beloved Courtney and Miranda. And Judas Priest, has it instilled the fear of god in me.

So basically, I?m here to lend some moral support in these final days of winter, and to remind you that spring is indeed on its way. What does this mean to the average Chicagoan? It means we can say goodbye to winds that turn the heartiest of down jackets into a tissue. It will prompt owners of the chairs, brooms, ironing boards, loveseats, et al. littering the streets as makeshift parking spot holders to return them to their ordinary uses. It also inevitably means we will be hearing a lot more from our Fearless Leader. That’s right, spring is a prime time for Mayor Richard M. Daley to get out and strut his stuff. And by that, I am basically referring to his comedy routine, aka any time he opens his mouth, and shameless self-promotion.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the man. His instant and unwarranted bouts of defensiveness confound me. His levels of inarticulateness constantly astound me. His ability to run this town with unabashed corruption and nepotism and remain virtually untouched is truly a remarkable, if not coveted skill. I mean really, Nepotism rocks! Did you think I got this blogging opportunity based on talent or ability? No!! Pure nepotism! Hey, now that I think of it, I think I am officially a crony. I hope this comes with a good pension and plenty of kickbacks. And now if you need me, I’ll be catching some shut eye under a tree somewhere.

I know I think about Him more than the average citizen. But how can you not, I ask? HIS NAME IS EVERYWHERE. Wherever I turn he has taken credit for some innocuous object like an abandoned article of clothing on the street (Mayor Richard M. Daley’s Single Sock Street Team) or some service you never knew existed (Mayor Richard M. Daley’s People of Undetermined Occupation Who Drive Like Asses in Unmarked City Vehicles). If the man didn’t think you knew better, he’d take credit for the clouds in the sky.

I started thinking about how admirable it is to be such a moron, and yet be loved by so many. And then I began thinking how hard can it be? I should run for Mayor. If for no other reason than to have my name plastered all over town. Signs boasting “Mayor Collene A. Wells’ Spitting Snipers” or ?Collene A. Wells? Club-On-Wheels Warriors.? There would be other services in my campaign platform, too. As Mayor, I also promise you “Mayor Collene A. Wells’ Butt Crack Busters” and “Mayor Collene A. Wells’ Anti-Litter Ninjas.” I can’t wait to be so awesome. Any other services you need? You just let me know. You can just go ahead and leave “your suggestions” (wink wink, nudge nudge) under my door.

So be strong, dear readers of The Age of the Hermits is about to pass. At which time we will abandon our xboxes, unnatural attachment to flannel pj pants and other wintertime pursuits to reenter the sunlight, squinting like the cave-dwelling bats we’ve become. Happy Spring!

{ 5 } Comments

  1. Miranda | March 18, 2005 at 2:35 pm | Permalink

    Please to institute the Mayor Collene A. Wells’ Public Peeing Punishment Posse immediately.

  2. angelope | March 18, 2005 at 4:00 pm | Permalink

    i would also like to request a Tire Flattening for Bad Driving Tax.
    and Deer Urine Windshield Wiper Fluid Punishment for Bad Pedestrians.

  3. jen | March 18, 2005 at 8:51 pm | Permalink

    I wish to apply for the Comb-over Surrendering Committee immediately….I have my own clippers and I know how to work them.
    Also a fine of one angry squirrel in your heating vents for every time you call 911 because your husband won’t give you the keys to the damn car.

  4. kare bear | March 20, 2005 at 10:25 am | Permalink


  5. Stump | April 6, 2006 at 11:54 pm | Permalink

    or maybe a “call your friend Diane back who misses you terribly” incentive ???

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *