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It’s Jaw-Normous.*

The Jaw.  World Domination Tour 2004.

How can you *not* go to the Minnie Driver show at the Double Door next Monday? How can you *not* appease your curiosity? So many unanswered questions… Can she sing? What does she sing? Who else will drag his or her sorry self out of the house on a dreary November weeknight just to catch a glimpse of THE JAW?

Sure, you can appreciate Minnie Driver, Actress. You’re intrigued by Minnie Driver, Singer. But what you really want to see is Minnie Driver, Human Vessel for The Jaw. I mean, yeah, her character in “Good Will Hunting” was awesomely charismatic. Equally enjoyable as Bennie in “Circle of Friends.” And totally fun in “Grosse Pointe Blank.” (We’ll just agree to forget “Return to Me,” ok?**) So, you’re intrigued by this new singing endeavor. Will it be like Bruce Willis? Keanu Reeves? The Bacon Brothers? Russell Crowe? Do you really need to ask more questions after I tell you that she’s double-billing it with Peter Himmelman?

Mostly, however, I want to send out a warning to everyone who attends the show. Beware the Jaw. It wields unimaginable power. It cannot be measured. It is ineffable. Patiently it waits, content to let its human vessel act and sing and prance about – but all the while its power grows. Some have already succumbed to the lure of The Jaw. Some resist still. But now that The Jaw has embarked on its World Domination Tour 2004 there will be no stopping it. So, dear readers, if you attend the Minnie Driver show on Monday, enjoy yourself. But do not – for the love of God – do not look directly at The Jaw.

* © C. Wells.

** You remember “Return to Me,” don’t you? Minnie plays a girl who gets David Duchovny’s dead wife’s heart during a transplant operation. She subsequently meets and falls in love with David Duchovny (who is then torn between memories of his dead, zoologist wife and the new girl). In one excruciating scene, Minnie’s character is “recognized” by one of David’s dead wife’s gorilla patients (I wish I were kidding).

{ 17 } Comments

  1. angelope | November 23, 2004 at 4:40 pm | Permalink

    я видел челюсть в Reykjavik и я верим в своей силе, котор челюсть пышна

  2. Miranda | November 23, 2004 at 4:58 pm | Permalink

    Челюсть является злой. Это ищет только власть.

  3. matt damon | November 23, 2004 at 5:05 pm | Permalink

    I met the Jaw at a wicked kegga over in JP. I kissed her goodnight and she almost took off my face. I told her, cool yeh livva, and that seemed to help. That and the muzzle.

  4. angelope | November 23, 2004 at 5:11 pm | Permalink

    haha. сдуру смертное, вы представите. челюсть имеет большую влюбленность для вас.
    Haha – dummes Sterblich, das Sie den Kiefer einreichen, hat gro?e Liebe f?r Sie.

  5. Mirandala | November 23, 2004 at 5:17 pm | Permalink

    Челюсть не любит никого, но непосредственно.

    La machoire n’a aucun amour. Elle a seulement la soif pour la dominance.

  6. angelope | November 23, 2004 at 5:24 pm | Permalink

    vous ?tes t?tu. la m?choire attendrez la m?choire avez ?t? soutenu avec la patience infinie.

  7. Miranda | November 23, 2004 at 5:31 pm | Permalink

    ? andato, lo Mascella-Schiavo! Non avete alimentazione qui!

  8. angelope | November 23, 2004 at 5:40 pm | Permalink

    il mio agnello piccolo, presto apparterrete alla mascella.

  9. karen | November 23, 2004 at 5:45 pm | Permalink

    what the hell???
    where did my friends go?
    what have you done to my friends!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?
    ack!……….????? ?????? ??????????? ??fl ???…..nooooooo….

  10. Miranda | November 23, 2004 at 5:46 pm | Permalink

    Back! Back whence you came, Jaw-Slave!

  11. karen | November 23, 2004 at 5:49 pm | Permalink

    you made me spit up!

  12. angelope | November 23, 2004 at 6:17 pm | Permalink

    вы можете выиграть это время, но мы будем встречать снова.

  13. Miranda | November 23, 2004 at 6:22 pm | Permalink

    Bring it, Jaw-Slave, bring it.

  14. angelope | November 23, 2004 at 6:30 pm | Permalink

    oh it’s broughten!

  15. dan rather | November 23, 2004 at 6:35 pm | Permalink

    It’s come to my attention that Peter Himmelman will write an intimate Song Portrait for that special someone for a nominal fee. I see Jaw: The Musical in our near future.

  16. LD | November 23, 2004 at 7:46 pm | Permalink

    gross encounters of the jaw kind.
    If you watch oprah 2-nite you’ll see robert downey jr. debuting his singer-songwriter career.

  17. mr skin | October 24, 2006 at 6:38 pm | Permalink

    Russell Crowe says he is getting too old to be an action hero? I didn’t see that one coming. He’s an awesome action hero in his movies. Hope this doesn’t mean he is going to stop being in those type of films.

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