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Grr. Aaargh.

Dear Over-Cologned Man in the Elevator Today:

When you get into the elevator after I do and realize, by the very act of pushing the button for your floor, that you will be exiting the elevator, that’s right, AFTER I will, it would make sense for you to move to the back or the side of the car for the duration of the ride. If you do not move to such a location, you will just have to move once the car stops at my floor and I need to exit. Or, rather, you *would* have to move at that point IF YOU WEREN’T SUCH A JACKASS. A jackass who makes me squeeze around him to get out of the elevator. Why are you such a jackass?

Other questions I have for you: Do you really need to stand at the front of the car, right where the doors meet? And do you really have to spread your legs so that your feet are slightly more than shoulder-width apart and thus take up even more room? And do you *really* have to clasp your hands in front of your business like that – like you are trying to protect it from whatever harmful rays are being projected at waist-level from the elevator doors (which, if true, surely means that you should STEP THE F*CK BACK)? Also, why are you wearing so much cologne? Are you olfactorily-damaged? Or perhaps you work with an entire office of olfactorily-damaged people who do not mind the great ladles of Brut that you pour over your elevator-door-blocking self each morning. Which only begs the question of whether they were olfactorily-damaged before or after you began working there.

So many questions! However, the overriding inquiry remains: why are you such a jackass?

Love,

Miranda

{ 4 } Comments

  1. Robbin | September 9, 2004 at 3:15 pm | Permalink

    Grr…aargh indeed! I used to be polite, and say “excuse me” when trying to get past these jerks, but now, in what I would like to think is Slayer fashion, I push past them with a not-so-polite “excuse you.” The door usually closes before their gaping mouths can recover to spit out any epithets. Lots o’ fun and very cathartic. 🙂

  2. karen | September 9, 2004 at 3:25 pm | Permalink

    Perhaps he’s covering up the fact that he’s…shall I say “Less Endowed” in the said “Buisness Area” so he chooses to use his cologne-soaked meat hooks to hide his lil’ noodle.

  3. Miranda | September 9, 2004 at 4:26 pm | Permalink

    You know, no one would even be looking in the direction of his business if he hadn’t protectively cupped it while straddling the elevator center line like that. Freak!

  4. betsy | September 9, 2004 at 5:20 pm | Permalink

    whew, then i guess my day is going relatively well. . .

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