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They Are Big! Ulka!

Ok, so, like a lot of people out there, I’ve got multiple e-mail addresses. I’ve got the one that’s tied to my undergraduate college and promises e-mail forwarding for life (but mostly just delivers pleas for donations to the college). I’ve got the one at work (only work-related mail there, thank you). I’ve got the one I actually use – that one I guard like a smoker’s last cigarette and no, you can’t have it (my precious! nasty tricksy, spamsy hobbitses will never have the precious!).

I also have the spambucket adresses. You know the ones. The ones you get when you’re young and easy and galavanting in yahoo and hotmail land. I keep those around – not because I get any real mail there, but just in case I need to give an e-mail address to a site of questionable integrity. You know the sites. They’ll turn on a dime and sell your e-mail address to spammers who then fill your inbox with messages promising sexual satisfaction and hot! hot! hot! pictures of Russian women with low standards. I usually just delete my entire yahoo/hotmail inboxes without looking at them. Until today. Today I got an e-mail from someone claiming to be “Princess Bensch” with the subject line: “They are big! Ulka!” Needless to say, I was intrigued…

Sadly, this message had no actual text in it – and my spam settings strip the html images out of all my e-mail, so mystery remains. What’s big? Who (or what) is Ulka? Is Ulka a Scandanavian term of surprise? “Ulka! What big teeth you have!” From which little-known monarchy does Princess Bensch hail? More research was clearly required.

A Google search for Princess Bensch turns up only Brittany Bensch, a Princess of the 2002 Daffodil Festival Court in Tacoma, Washington. Surely Brittany (of Henry Foss High School) is not spending her time e-mailing me to discuss the unexpected size of an unnamed item. Sadly, additional googling reveals no more about the mysterious Princess Bensch.

A Google search for “Ulka” turns up several possibilities. At Ulka in Italy, you can pick up a lovely double-insulated vibration pump. They do look large. In the U.S., the Ulka site displays a friendly logo, but gives no clues as to its purpose. Ulka Norway asks the important question: Liker du fisk til middag? Apparently, FCB-Ulka is the leading advertising agency in India.

Finally, tells us that the name “Ulka” is German in origin and means “Mistress of All.”

Conclusion? Princess Bensch remains cloaked in shadow and I still have no idea what struck her as so shockingly large that she was inspired to e-mail me. It’s all an unsolved mystery.

I may, however, start demanding that people call me “Ulka”…

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