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2 recaps! Chili Snore-Off & Dinner with the KKK

Ok, so I’ve missed recapping a few episodes of Top Chef…in my defense, I’ve been really busy…and the last few episodes of Top Chef have been really boring.  For reals, people!

How can you disappoint two of the nicest, muppetous Top Chef Masters contestants ever?!  Susan Feniger and Mary Sue Miliken, we love you.

So this episode with the chili cook-off started with what was supposed to be fire and excitement and increasingly hot chilis…and yet Beverly still managed to take a hot dish and turn it into a not dish.

She didn’t even cook her chili.  Serious.  she just put it down on the plate with some lettuce and a schmear of dookie.  Is it any wonder that Mary Sue Miliken made this face?

What she’s thinking is “I can’t believe I put that in my mouth.”

Later in the episode, Beverly made this face, which I think is only fair.

What she’s thinking is “Why am I crying?  Is it because my food sucks and I’m a spaz?  What?  I can’t hear you – I’m spaz-crying!”

Sigh.  So everyone pulls an all-nighter to make the chili – which is not really how chili is made, I think…and then they stand in the Texas sun to serve said overworked chili to hordes of Texans with silly hats who will later visit some seriously overworked Porta-Johns.  After service, the exhausted crew is treated to Judges’ Table in Abu Ghraib, when the bottom three are forced to cook some more.  This show is just begging for someone to slice off a digit.  QuickFire!

The dude with the stupid hair who is best buds with the other dude with the stupid hair goes home.  It is sad.  Well, it would be sad if I cared, which I don’t, because watching people cook chili in teams is unbelievably boring – and considering how sleep-deprived the last three chefs were, the judges are lucky they didn’t get served a duo of Alpo.  Still, we did get treated to the poignant sight of Eternal Love Between Two Ridiculous Hairstyles.

Did the next episode make up for this giant pot of simmered snore?  Well…you know, actually it did.

So, in the episode titled “Don’t Be Tardy for the Dinner Party” (which is a nearly unforgivable tip of the sequined hat to a certain “musical” atrocity), the cheftestants are divided into teams to cater a progressive dinner party in a Dallas Cul de Sac of Horrors.  This particular Cul de Sac also seems to require that all of the women have names that start with K.

First up for the appetizer course are Kim and Justin Whitman.  Google tells me that Chuck Norris gave the blessing at Kim and Justin’s wedding reception.  I fear asking Google to tell me any more.

Kim is a “lifestyle and entertaining expert” and she has strict rules for food:

  • Presentation is really important.  (Kim doesn’t want ugly food.  How this squares with Kim’s original desire to ask the chefs to make everything pink, I don’t know.)
  • Kim has a lot of foods that she doesn’t like.  These include: bell peppers, cilantro, foods that produce stinky breath, foods that get stuck in your teeth, foods that she hasn’t eaten before, foods with calories, foods that don’t match her outfit, foods that don’t match her friends’ outfits..

What does Captain TopKnot take away from this conversation?  Clearly this is a household that will appreciate me stealing a dish from my boss at Moto that looks exactly like a Cuban cigar!  What Kim really wants to do is eat a pretend cigar during her cocktail party!  Ashes and all!  Le Sigh.  (oh, and the “ash” is comprised of cumin and sesame seeds, because, you know, those *never* get stuck in your teeth)

On the left, Captain TopKnot’s cigar.  On the right, the cigar they do at Moto.

Right here, Kim’s attempt to eat the cigar.  I mean, she’s game, but she won’t be doing that again, people. (Note how I’m keeping it clean in this post!  Herculean effort, people.)

Entrées will live at Kari and Troy Kloewer’s house.  Kari and Troy had 24 bridesmaids and groomsmen at their wedding.  I suppose this shouldn’t come as a surprise, as Kari is Kim’s sister.

Troy loves spicy food.  Kari really doesn’t.  Kari also doesn’t like cilantro and she really doesn’t like raspberries.  Troy loves beef.  Kari really doesn’t eat meat.  The cheftestants are speechless.

Frankly, the main entrée course was too boring to recap.  All I will say is that although this looks good:

Apparently it was not.

Dessert course!  Hosted by Kameron and Court Westcott.  I think this wedding photo speaks volumes about their relationship.  Note the possessive grip each person has on the other.  One grip says “Don’t ever leave me, strange trophy blonde.”  The other says “Note my inappropriately-placed grip on you, strange, tiny man with money.”  Oh, true love.  (Side note: can you guess who is named what?  Who is Kameron?  Who is Court?  Why do their parents hate them both so much?)

Kameron and Court want a big, Texas-style dessert.  They love dessert.  The first thing out of Court’s mouth (yes, she’s Kameron and he’s Court) is that he loves “cake balls” (refraining, refraining…).  Court loves dessert so much that his wedding cake (I really hope he meant groom’s cake) was a giant Gummi bear.  The cheftestants control their nausea (barely).

Here’s little Court’s face when he is presented with all that sugar.

Here’s guest judge John Besh’s face when he realizes that he is trapped in this episode until the end.

Here is Tom Colicchio’s face as he approaches the edge of madness.

Edward’s (of the horrifying facial hair) dish is met with a number of sophisticated comments from the dinner party (hey!  Next Bravo special should totally be Top Chef: Donner Party! oh, I crack myself up.)



Kameron: The presentation looks like a little Elmo.

Kari: Edward’s dish was a bit jiggly-looking.

Kim: It tastes much fancier than it looks.




Inside his head, John Besh is going to his happy place.

The judges can’t deal with Chris’ cupcake and believe it to be a hot mess with too much going on and no cohesiveness (Court loves it.  Almost as much as a nice big cake ball.).  I fail to understand the difference between the various hot dessert messes.

In the end, however, it’s Chuy’s overcooked salmon and goat cheese that sends our little pimento home.  Even Padma is sad to lose the cuteness.

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