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Top Chef Recapish

Ok, so the never ending quandary of What to Blog About leads me here: a sort-of recap of the most recent Top Chef episode. And by “recap,” I mean “chat about stuff I remember from the episode.”

I watch Top Chef (and have from the beginning) because the people on it have skillz. They’re good at what they do (well, most of them) and it’s interesting to watch them come up with creative ideas and execute them. I don’t watch Hell’s Kitchen because I don’t want to watch people bleed into food and skirt the not-that-thin-line between edible and lethal (weirdly, I have been known to watch Jersey Shore, even though that is also a show about incompetents who frequently handle food).

Anyway, some initial thoughts:

1. Emeril. Really? I’m not saying anything against the man – he’s got cooking cred – but he looks like Chef Droopy Dog and he sounds like he’s on time delay. Someone feed this guy a snappy pill. Also, I pre-cringe at the number of times some idiot will say “Bam!” and think s/he is being funny. Pre-sigh.

2. 29 cheftestants. Why so many, when most of them will be gone by the end of episode 2? Why is Bravo wasting my time with this parade of doomed braisers?

3. Ink. I know that it’s the trend culture-wide for people to have more ink. This trend seems to have hit the chef/cook world particularly hard. Yes, you’re hard-working, restaurant-hours-keeping, burned-fingers-having, I’m-your-private-butcher-butcher-for-money types, but there really is no need to cover every bit of exposed skin with tattoos of pork chops and paring knives. You just have to trust me on this.

Not going to look good in the nursing home...

4. People of Moto. Does Homaru require you to have stupid hair?

Chris Jones and Let's-Get-Physical HeadbandRichie Farina and Facial Silliness

5. People of Chicago. Yay! You come from fine eateries.

6. Weird, inbred personal chef dude – if you can’t butcher and don’t know what a pork tenderloin is, why are you here? Go home and cook brunch for some more “celebrities.” Also, what is up with the teeth? Yeesh.

7. Chef Heather – we are rooting for you solely on the basis of your chicken and waffles at Sable. Seriously – my eyes are going a little out of focus now just thinking about that dish…

Drooling now.

8. Chef Dakota – please put on a shirt during your interview segments. Your tattooed clavicle is creeping me out.

9. Note to Bravo – just because you set this season in Texas (wtf?), please, please, please, do not stage a State-sanctioned mega-prayerful pancake breakfast elimination challenge. I do not want to see Rick Perry on this show unless he is vacuum-packed and prepared sous vide.

10. Note to cheftestants (and all chefs) – enough with the “XYZ prepared two ways.” It’s annoying.

[Duo of Cheerios: crispy and soggy]

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